Hope Fulfilled

I forgot that I posted last October about planting tulip and daffodil bulbs. I came across the post a couple of days ago while reading through my archives. I'm so glad that I bothered to take pictures of the flowers before they dried up. I bet they would have lasted longer if I had watered them, ya think?

Enjoy a glimpse of God's handiwork in His world:

It's ALL a blessing

On the lastest Quiverfull Digest that I received in my e-mail, I read a great entry by a lady named Micklyn. I wanted to share it because I think it's so good:

Hi all.
I just wanted to share something the Lord showed me a while back when I was grieving over miscarriages. (I have had 9 pg's, 4 miscarried, 5 births... last week I had a positive hpt but when I repeated the test on Monday it was negative, so I think this 10th pg may also miscarry. I also have 2 darling adopted sons and 1 darling stepson, so 8 children here with me.) Anyway, Hosea 9:11 reads:

"As for Ephraim, their glory shall fly away like a bird-
No birth, no pregnancy, and no conception!"

This was God's judgement on them. What struck me was not the thought that God is judging me, rather the opposite. In God's eyes, yes, birth is a blessing, but so is pregnancy and so is conception. This means that even though I don't carry a baby to term, God sees my conceiving as His blessing me!! This was a revelation.

I see now that God has been sooo good to me. For every child he has allowed me to birth on earth, he has given me another one in heaven. In the time I've had, i could not have conceived AND given birth to 10 children. But in between my full term pg's, he has seen fit to BLESS me with shorter pregnancies. For each of those I give glory and thanks to him.

Micklyn

Source: Quiverfull Digest #3455

I think that's so great.

Remembering & Hoping

Yesterday I planted purple tulips and yellow daffodils. Except for a few weeds missing, the flower bed looks no different today than it did yesterday. It's full of bare-looking bark chips and fallen leaves but I know that it now holds the hope of beautiful spring flowers. The bulbs I planted will die but they do not die in vain for they will bring about beauty and I will once again see God's hand at work in His world.

Yesterday was my due date. Except for a few more lines on my face, I don't look much different than I did last year. I wear the same clothes that I wore last year and my hair looks pretty much the same but I hold in my heart a renewed hope of an eternity with my Savior. For I have died and my life is hidden with Christ in God and when Christ, who IS my life, is revealed, then I will be revealed with Him in glory. (Col. 3:3-4). When I die to myself, I do not die in vain for it will bring about Christ's perfection in me and I will once again see God's hand at work in me.


Hope deferred makes the heart sick, But desire fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12

Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. He who loves his life loses it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it to life eternal. If anyone serves Me, he must follow Me; and where I am, there My servant will be also; if anyone serves Me, the Father will honor him.
John 12:24-26

For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6

Casting Crowns Concert

I went to the Casting Crowns concert in Boise tonight with my daughter, Rebecca. Oh.My.Goodness. I don't know if I'll ever be able to put into words how great it was. All I can say right now is we serve a big, big God and I am so blessed to be called His child. I've never been to a concert where the seven members of the group sit at the front of the stage and spend 20 minutes taking turns praying for the audience. Each member focused on a particular thing. I can't remember all seven but one prayed for young men and the decisions that they are making that will affect who they become and the kind of fathers and leaders they will become. One prayed for encouragement for those in ministry. One prayed for marriages and for wives to learn what it means to really submit to their husbands and that husbands would just love their wives the way Christ loves the church. One prayed for the members of the audience who don't yet have a relationship with Jesus. One prayed for the fatherless, and one prayed for mothers, for mothers in the trenches of raising childen, for the heartache of losing a child, and for the ones desiring to become mothers. It was a good thing we got napkins at the concession stand earlier because I was a teary mess. The mention of the heartache of losing a child especially touched me because I'm very much aware of the fact that my former due date was two weeks from yesterday. (It's strange to think that I'd be delivering a baby very soon if I hadn't miscarried. It's been so many months ago now it seems crazy to think that I was supposed to be having a baby this month. Perhaps that's a different post.... back to the concert.)

Ack. I feel like I have Niagra Falls trying to fit through a 1" pipe! Apparently I can say more than I first intimated! :-) There's so much to talk about.

Rebecca liked the opening group, Leeland, better than Casting Crowns but she did like CC. She commented that the main singer looked like he was too young to be touring the United States. (When Leeland began playing/singing I thought "Oh my goodness. I'm old. What have I done and why am I here?" I'm too old for this. I enjoyed CC much better and Leeland really was okay. Their music is a bit wild but carried a good message nonetheless.) She didn't like the video plugs for WorldVision. Seeing the plight of children in third-world countries is really upsetting to her and causes her several sleepless nights. (I didn't realize we would be seeing that. I still would have taken her had I known.) When CC sang their last song and the lights were extinguished and we were standing and applauding, I leaned over to Rebecca and said, "They are clapping to bring them out again. They will come out and sing one more song." "How, do YOU know?" she asked. I said, "This isn't my first concert!" It was funny! I got to go to a concert again for the first time. She thought it was just silly and they should have stayed out there and sung the song without leaving first. At one point they let the drummer rip. Rebecca liked it but thought it dragged on too long. Really, it was impressive. He was quite skilled and in a strange way it was neat to see/hear. I reminded her of how she feels when she gets to run, really fast. Run as hard as she possibly can without having to stop until she wants to. It's a good feeling to do someting you love and that you are good at and to do it to the utmost. I said I think it feels like that to him. She nodded. She understood that feeling. The really cool thing was he did that and he gave it to to Lord. I saw that happen. It was beautiful... and it was really, really loud drums. Go figure.

Are you still reading all of this? Sorry that I'm so chatty... it was a great mountain-top experience and I want to remember what I'm thinking and feeling right now.

The thing I loved most was the meatiness of the lyrics. Casting Crowns doesn't spend much time on feel-good songs. Here are some examples of ones that particularly challenged me:

And the voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth - Voice of Truth
*****

Just love her like Jesus, carry her to Him
His yoke is easy, His burden is light
You don't need the answers to all of life's questions
Just know that He loves her and stay by her side
Love her like Jesus
Love her like Jesus - Love Them Like Jesus
*****

Jesus, I'm trying so hard to stop trying so hard
Just let You be who You are
Lord, who You are in me - The Altar and the Door
*****

It's all because of Jesus I'm alive
It's all because the blood of Jesus Christ
That covers me and raised this dead man's life
It's all because of Jesus I'm alive - All Because of Jesus
*****

What if the armies of the Lord
Picked up and dusted off their swords
Vowed to set the captives free
And not let Satan have one more

What if the church for heaven's sake
Finally stepped up to the plate
Took and stand upon God's promise
And stormed hell's rusty gates

What if His people prayed
And those who bare His name
Would humbly seek His face
And turn from their own way... What If His People Prayed

Want a taste of our evening? The following videos will do that for you.

The Altar and The Door Tour Preview (2 1/2 minutes)


The Altar and the Door Sneak Preview - with Mark Hall (almost 6 minutes but SOOO good! If you only watch one of these videos, watch this one.)


I'll stop now. It's 2 am. I think I'm finally winding down... Typing sure is getting difficult. :-) Tickets to this concert were a great gift from my husband. I am blessed, I am encouraged, I am challenged, I am convicted, I am refreshed, I am humbled, I am grateful.

I am tired. G'night.

Craving Chocolate

One of my readers, Kilikina, recently e-mailed me asking how I was doing since my miscarriage. After I responded to her I decided to post my response here also to update anyone else who reads my blog.

Thanks for checking up on me, I appreciate it. I guess I'm doing pretty okay. I get sad sometimes but then I remember that each and every one of my pregnancies has been in God's capable hands and this time it was no different even though the final outcome was different.

We weren't "trying" or hoping to get pregnant because we leave it up to God to decide the quantity and timing of the children He gives us. Having said that, now that I've lost this baby, I find myself hoping to get pregnant again. It's almost like someone surprising you with a big piece of chocolate cake and then taking it away before you had a chance to take a bite! Now I'm hungry for chocolate cake! I don't really know where I would put a fifth child, but I figure if God can make room for a baby inside my body(!) then He can make room in my home. Not a problem.

Of course, I see pregnant people EVERYWHERE (I notice pregnant people everywhere when I'm pregnant too), but it doesn't cause me much turmoil. I really trust God's hand in all things. Having four kids is great. Having more would be great too. He's the Potter, I'm the clay. I'll welcome whatever He gives me.

He hath made everything beautiful in His time... Ecc.3:11a

This too shall pass

Last Friday afternoon (4/6) I passed something that I thought might finally be the end of the miscarriage. It was SO different than the other "stuff" that I had been seeing that I decided to demand that a pathology test be run to identify it. Since it was Friday afternoon, it wasn't processed until Monday and I didn't hear any results until today. I was right!

The doctor had told me the previous Friday (3/30) that the pregnancy had passed and that I only had a couple of days left to finish up. By Friday April 6, I was feeling so miserable that I called the doctor back and asked to be seen. She said that everything sounded normal and didn't think I needed to come in. She did, however, prescribe antibiotics prophylactically. Jim picked up the medicine on his way home from work. Before he got home, though, I had passed that "something" that I wanted identified. Almost immediately the severe symptoms abated. That marked difference really made me want to have the pathology test run. After quite the run-around from the medical community I got my wish and today I have the results. It was the pregnancy that I passed 11 DAYS after my ordeal began!

I'm very glad to have that information. I think it will help me in the future to trust my instincts. I knew something was still wrong and the doctors just don't know everything! My doctor did say that apparently she was wrong the week before when she said the baby was out. This is why I never blindly trust what a doctor tells me. She also congratulated me on doing this "all on my own and avoiding a D&C". Not sure what I think about that!

I'm still crampy and bleeding a little but I am definitely on the road to recovery. I'm taking the antibiotics and I feel SO much better.

Thank you all for your kind comments, emails, thoughts, and prayers. God is faithful.

Still Going

I have to say that I feel perfectly lousy. This business of miscarrying "naturally" is the pits. I'm living on Advil and Vicoden. I'm still in favor of avoiding having a D&C but it sure does take longer this way. I'm not convinced that things are really okay so (thanks to the prodding of my mom) I'm going to call the doctor tomorrow and insist that I be seen to rule out the possibility of an infection. I called my doctor today (yesterday, really, because it's after midnight now...) and recited my list of symptoms. She assured me that all of it was within the realm of normal but I'm just not feeling "right". You know what I mean? I don't have any experience with this but I'm going with my intuition. My list of symptoms, if you're interested, follows. If you not interested, I don't blame you. Just move right along and listen to some nice music on my sidebar. It really is more pleasant!!

**Warning-- Gross details ahead!

For the past three days:
1.) low back pain, dull and achy
2.) severe, horrendous headache (add to that, significant visual disturbances tonight for about 20-30 minutes)
3.) continued bleeding (that reeks. sorry if I'm being too gross !)
4.) sharp, sharp pain in my lower abdomen and right under my sternum that gets worse as the day progresses

I've had no fever but I also had a post-partum infection for 3 months (back in 1996) without a fever so I don't think that's a good indicator to me. I'm perfectly willing to wait this out several more days if that's what it takes and I'm also perfectly willing to go in and have a D&C if that's what is necessary. I just need to figure out what the "right" thing is so I can go do it. I'm going to tell them that I need a blood test or something to see if I need antibiotics or to try to figure out what's going on.

Pray for wisdom. And patience.

4/6/07 - 9:41 am - Updated to say that my doctor called me back this morning and she is prescribing some antibiotics. I hope this does the trick...

Remembering

I just read a beautiful post yesterday written by Shannon at Rocks In My Dryer who was remembering her own miscarriage 11 years ago. It was pretty timely for me to read that post while I'm dealing with my own miscarriage right now. Here's an excerpt:

I remember the early days of my very first pregnancy, blissfully cloud-walking at the thought of becoming a mother. I remember the sound of my parents' voices when they heard the news that I was expecting their first grandchild....

...I remember the crushing weight that collapsed onto my chest in that ultrasound room at 10 weeks--not only had the baby died, but the baby had died 5 weeks earlier and my body simply didn't "get it"....

Read the rest here.

Rambling Update

Well, I had a second ultrasound today and it looks like that I will get to avoid having a D&C. I'm very happy about that because I really didn't want to have one unless it was very necessary. My doctor said that it looks like I have a couple days to go before I am totally finished miscarrying. I was a little concerned because it seemed like things had "stalled" and I was worrying that if I didn't finish on my own that I would have to go in for surgery. However, my doctor said it's looking good and she doesn't foresee any problems. Whew!

I'm tired, I'm on pain meds, and I'm feeling a little floaty-headed from the Vicoden but other than that I'm pretty okay. I made dinner, I recorded and put away the curriculum that arrived in the mail a couple of days ago, and I folded a couple of loads of laundry. The kids and I are watching The Muppet Movie (Jim fell asleep, poor guy he's been working hard these last few days trying to be mom and dad!). I'm taking a quick break from the movie to write this post. I just put Abby to bed after nursing her. Which, by the way, really makes the cramping more intense but I'm sure is actually helping the process along in a very good way!

I think the Vicoden is making me ramble on here. I know it's making it hard to type!! All of a sudden my mind just went blank so I guess I better get back to the Muppet Movie! :-)

Oh. I just remembered what I was planning to say. On the way to the doctor's office this afternoon, the radio was playing Let My Lifesong Sing. After that song they played My Savior, My God. It was so cool! I love both of those songs and I've posted about both of them and I have videos of both of them in my sidebar. Isn't it fun to see God in the little details!?!?

Sad news...

Well, I'm feeling well enough at the moment to get online and post a little update. I'm sorry to be sharing sad news but I am in the midst of a miscarriage. The miscarriage began in earnest Wednesday (yesterday) afternoon and it continues still. I've never been though this before so I'm uncertain about how long to let things go naturally before I consent to a D&C. We're kind of winging it at this point but I am getting some good advice from friends who have been there.

Apparently this baby's purpose was not to live in this world. His/her short presence in my life certainly came and blessed me during a difficult time in my life and perhaps that was the baby's purpose all along. Maybe I'll never really get to see God's plan and purpose in this situation but it is enough for me to know that God DOES have a plan and a purpose and I have every hope in that. I see His hand all the time even from my limited vantage point.

I have to refer to a really great song that I posted about recently. Here's the first stanza of that song:

I am not skilled to understand
What God hath willed, what God hath planned;
I only know that at His right hand
Is One Who is my Savior!

Isn't that such a great thing? He is my Saviour. His grace is sufficient. He is in control. He has a plan. He knows where He wants me to be and He knows how to get me there. All I have to do is trust Him. He'll take care of the rest. That's awesome!

A word of advice

Whether or not you need to hear this, I'm going to say it.

When you are pregnant with baby #5 and you are drinking a lot of water and you have a little bit of cold that causes you to sneeze every once in a while, it's really not a good idea (even though you may be sick of going) to put off going to the bathroom. I'm just saying...

OB Appointment #1 & Nausea

I don't want to tempt fate, but since I don't really believe in that sort of thing I'll just go ahead. For all of my former pregnancies I have been super sick to severely sick. This pregnancy (so far) not so much. I get to feeling a bit queasy sometimes when I haven't have enough food recently or when I haven't had enough protein, but it's been SO manageable! At this point last pregnancy I was having debilitating sickness. I couldn't get out of bed and I was miserable and depressed. Of course, instead of being thankful, I find myself looking the gift horse in the mouth and worrying that everything isn't okay! Silly, I know! Maybe my really sick time is still coming and maybe, just maybe, I'll escape it this time. That would be so wonderful. The only bad thing about avoiding the sickness is that I'm missing out on the initial weight loss that I usually experience. That sure comes in handy toward the end of the pregnancy. Maybe I concentrate too much on those numbers.

My first ob. appt. was:

March 8, 2007 - 1:10 pm - Julie Stevens, CNRP
7 weeks, 4 days

Weight: XXX (Ha! I'm not telling this time either!)
Blood Pressure: 104/78
Baby's Heartrate: 162
Bloodtest: No results yet except that my thyroid levels are "within normal limits". I'm praying that there will be no anti-C antigen detected in my bloodwork this time. The anti-c antigen problem is hard to describe and I haven't been able to find a simple explanation online. Basically it's similar to an Rh factor problem. Last time it was detected and made my doctor want to check my blood at EVERY VISIT (which I just love). It never ended up being a problem but it was just something she wanted to keep an eye on. Eventually it was no longer detectable in my blood and enough time passed that she wasn't worried anymore. If anti-c DOES become a problem it means that the mother's body recognizes the baby as a foreign object and attacks it! Freaky! Anyway, I'm praying that it doesn't even come up this time.

WARNING - Possible TMI (too much information) ahead:

I had an ultrasound to date the pregnancy. We really couldn't determine a due date based on my cycle because I've only had 2 semi-regular cycles since Abby was born. One at the end of November and one at the beginning of January. (Breastfeeding is awesome!) So for lack of that kind of information I got to have an ultrasound and see the little blur they say is the baby. :-)

The next appointment was to be in 4 weeks but I made it 5 weeks. Because I'm obstinate.

You've got questions? I've got answers.

Well fine. Nobody wants to play and guess. Waa, Waa, Waa! J I'll tell you the reason I recently heard the phrase Advanced Maternal Age...

I'm nine weeks pregnant with baby #5! He/She is due to arrive October 21, 2007. We are very excited. I must say when I told my mother, she used my first AND middle names! I'm not sure what to think about that. J Using the middle name usually means someone is in trouble... K