Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Weak and Heavy-laden

I'm having so much trouble being cheerful and thankful at this point in my pregnancy. I've just been miserable and oh so tired. I don't sleep much at night and that makes days with my 4 children not so pleasant. I feel like I'm complaining at every turn and I can't seem to get it under control. I just want to be DONE! I've never felt this uncomfortable during a pregnancy before. Maybe it's my age?? I'm 39. I find myself worried that maybe I'll have to do this again and I won't be able to do it again. That's certainly not the attitude I wish to have and not the attitude I want to convey to my children (especially my 12 y.o. daughter!)

I feel so badly that I'm not able to do the stuff I normally can do and because of that I'm placing a much bigger burden on my husband. It seems like such a burden that my children are having to bear because I'm not up to my usual duties. I feel like the house is falling apart despite my husband's valiant efforts, I feel like my kids aren't getting the attention and care that they want and deserve. I wonder why in the world I put in a garden that I can't maintain. I wonder what we are doing that we should eliminate in order to have more time for the important. I wonder how to balance the fact that I just cannot do certain things with the fear that I'm being lazy and taking advantage of the situation.

Sometimes I don't know I've overdone things until it's too late. I look back and realize 'oh, THAT, was too much'. I'm light-headed, dizzy, and I stagger around the house sometimes with contractions that don't allow me to stand up straight but I have to keep going because dinner needs to be made and the contractions I'm having, while they are difficult, aren't accomplishing anything at the moment. I know (because I've had other pregnancies where I contract for WEEKS/MONTHS before delivery) that it all those contractions make for a pretty fast labor in the end BUT it's so hard to be in mild labor almost all the time. I think I'd rather just save it for the end where everything else stops and I can just have the baby. Instead, I doing labor and life at the same time. I don't like it. But that's where I am and somehow I need to find ways to be cheerful, thankful, and trusting that God is at work in this pregnancy, my life and in my family.

This is a pretty bad pity party but maybe I'm venting enough here that things will get better. Meaning, of course, that my attitude will get better. Just pray with me that I will remember to avail myself of the privilege of laying my burdens at the foot of the cross and remember that Jesus can take our burdens and turn them into joy!

Forgive me for taking this verse out of context but I've been thinking of this one a lot during this pregnancy:

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us. Romans 8:18

What a Friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer!
O what peace we often forfeit, O what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.

Have we trials and temptations? Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged; take it to the Lord in prayer.
Can we find a friend so faithful who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness; take it to the Lord in prayer.

Are we weak and heavy laden, cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Savior, still our refuge, take it to the Lord in prayer.
Do your friends despise, forsake you? Take it to the Lord in prayer!
In His arms He’ll take and shield you; you will find a solace there.

Blessed Savior, Thou hast promised Thou wilt all our burdens bear
May we ever, Lord, be bringing all to Thee in earnest prayer.
Soon in glory bright unclouded there will be no need for prayer
Rapture, praise and endless worship will be our sweet portion there.


Lisa said...

You know that you can call and you can bring the kids over. Don't ever hesitate in doin so. I'd come and get them but having a small car does'nt work so good. I'll be praying that things will get better for you.

Anonymous said...

Oh, I loved your words!
Nowadays it is so important that people care about spiritual aspect of life.
It is good to know that you pray and encourage people on the internet to keep praying too.
It was nice to read your words.
Have a nice night.

Anonymous said...

I am giving you a hug through your computer.

It's ok, you have 2 weeks and I think how you feel is perfectly normal. Especially those last two weeks. and I'll bet you felt that way with your others but you have just forgotten...

Roberta said...

My heart goes out to you. I have been having a very tough 2 months in other ways, and I empathize with your feeling this heavy burden. I will be praying for you in these final weeks. God will sustain you. He is faithful, and He will supply all your needs. This little one is a gift from Him and a blessing. I pray you will have the strength needed for each moment and that He will give your weary body rest.

Elise @A Path Made Straight said...

Heavy-laden takes on a new meaning, doesn't it? You're in my prayers, Cindee...