Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Weak and Heavy-laden

I'm having so much trouble being cheerful and thankful at this point in my pregnancy. I've just been miserable and oh so tired. I don't sleep much at night and that makes days with my 4 children not so pleasant. I feel like I'm complaining at every turn and I can't seem to get it under control. I just want to be DONE! I've never felt this uncomfortable during a pregnancy before. Maybe it's my age?? I'm 39. I find myself worried that maybe I'll have to do this again and I won't be able to do it again. That's certainly not the attitude I wish to have and not the attitude I want to convey to my children (especially my 12 y.o. daughter!)

I feel so badly that I'm not able to do the stuff I normally can do and because of that I'm placing a much bigger burden on my husband. It seems like such a burden that my children are having to bear because I'm not up to my usual duties. I feel like the house is falling apart despite my husband's valiant efforts, I feel like my kids aren't getting the attention and care that they want and deserve. I wonder why in the world I put in a garden that I can't maintain. I wonder what we are doing that we should eliminate in order to have more time for the important. I wonder how to balance the fact that I just cannot do certain things with the fear that I'm being lazy and taking advantage of the situation.

Sometimes I don't know I've overdone things until it's too late. I look back and realize 'oh, THAT, was too much'. I'm light-headed, dizzy, and I stagger around the house sometimes with contractions that don't allow me to stand up straight but I have to keep going because dinner needs to be made and the contractions I'm having, while they are difficult, aren't accomplishing anything at the moment. I know (because I've had other pregnancies where I contract for WEEKS/MONTHS before delivery) that it all those contractions make for a pretty fast labor in the end BUT it's so hard to be in mild labor almost all the time. I think I'd rather just save it for the end where everything else stops and I can just have the baby. Instead, I doing labor and life at the same time. I don't like it. But that's where I am and somehow I need to find ways to be cheerful, thankful, and trusting that God is at work in this pregnancy, my life and in my family.

This is a pretty bad pity party but maybe I'm venting enough here that things will get better. Meaning, of course, that my attitude will get better. Just pray with me that I will remember to avail myself of the privilege of laying my burdens at the foot of the cross and remember that Jesus can take our burdens and turn them into joy!

Forgive me for taking this verse out of context but I've been thinking of this one a lot during this pregnancy:

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us. Romans 8:18

What a Friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer!
O what peace we often forfeit, O what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.

Have we trials and temptations? Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged; take it to the Lord in prayer.
Can we find a friend so faithful who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness; take it to the Lord in prayer.

Are we weak and heavy laden, cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Savior, still our refuge, take it to the Lord in prayer.
Do your friends despise, forsake you? Take it to the Lord in prayer!
In His arms He’ll take and shield you; you will find a solace there.

Blessed Savior, Thou hast promised Thou wilt all our burdens bear
May we ever, Lord, be bringing all to Thee in earnest prayer.
Soon in glory bright unclouded there will be no need for prayer
Rapture, praise and endless worship will be our sweet portion there.

Monday, July 07, 2008

Laundry at Midnight

I got out of bed to put all the baby clothes that have been packed up into the washing machine. Maybe I'm getting ready too early but then maybe I'm not. It's so hard for me to tell. I've been very uncomfortable today. Lots of contractions, gastrointestinal upset, some vomiting. I never know if I'm just doing too much or if "something" is happening. I need some clear, unmistakeable sign that "this is it". Breaking of my waters would do it but I don't want it because the last two times my water broke in the hospital the baby was born within 9 minutes and the second time was within 7 minutes. I definitely don't want my water breaking at home! So I'm left to wonder when things get strange, "Is this it??" Just in case, I'm laundring baby clothes and blankets. Tomorrow I plan to wash the infant car seat cover and get that all ready. Maybe I'm setting myself up for a really long wait or else I'm just being prepared.

My Ambien is kicking in...I better hit the hay.

Getting some ZZZ's

I got some pretty good sleep last night. What a blessing. I haven't been sleeping well for a few weeks due to my restless, twitchy legs. I've been averaging about 2-4 hours a night. That is just not enough for me. My doctor prescribed Ambien for me Friday, June 27th and I slept great that night. It didn't work the next night! I was so disappointed. A couple of days later I decided to take two and THAT worked much better. At my last appointment she (my doc) said that taking 2 if fine but it would be better if I was only taking it 2-3 times a week. So I pretty much have to decide ahead of time if I really need to sleep on a particular night or if this night will be one of the ones that I'm tossing and turning, up taking a hot bath, and getting no sleep. My right eye has been twitching on and off for about 3 weeks now and I'm sure that it's due to the lack of sleep. I had a mild case of this when I was pregnant with Abby but it wasn't much of a problem and it went away after her delivery. I'm sure hoping the same is the case this time. I'd hate to be up in the night trying to rock and nurse my new little one and unable to sit still! I'm hopeful that it will go away in time.

Friday, July 04, 2008

I'm not calling Guinness just yet

Wednesday I had an ultrasound (pictures are below) but I couldn't have the follow-up appointment with the doctor because she was in surgery. They scheduled me to come back the next day (Thursday). That's not so bad but it's a 40 mile round trip and I hated to spend the gas to do that twice in two days. Also it's a little difficult scheduling that around hubby's work and my waning energy. In any case, I went yesterday for the follow-up and the doctor was delivering a baby. I chose to wait rather than have to come back yet again. My wait ended up being an hour and twenty minutes! That was pretty miserable because I can't sit still for long. I have had a lot of trouble this pregnancy with restless legs and trying to sit for very long is pretty impossible. I also cannot relax. It has made for many, many sleepless nights already and I still have five weeks to go....

So, my follow-up appointment. The reason I had the u/s in the first place is because my fundal height was measuring large and the doctor wanted to see how big the baby was and see if I maybe had too much amniotic fluid. I pretty much consented to the u/s because I wanted to have pictures taken like the ones below... :-) The technician told me that the baby has chunk on 'it' and I also have a lot of fluid but that neither of those things were dangerous. Yesterday the doctor said that, yes, the baby is big. Baby weighs 8 lbs 5 oz. right now and that if I go to my due date I'm looking at delivering a 9 to 10 pounder. She said I just may break my personal record which is 9 lbs. 9 oz. (Adam). I don't really know how accurate with these weight estimates and I kind of wish I didn't have those numbers in my head!

The doctor said that if I consented to an amniocentesis to check up on lung maturity then she would deliver me early. If you know me very well, you know that there's no way I would consent to that unless there was some kind of an emergency! BTW there's a really cool DVD called In The Womb put out by National Geographic. On that DVD I learned that when the baby's lungs are mature they secrete a protein into the amniotic fluid that triggers the placenta to decrease the production of progesterone and to increase the production of oxytocin. Either of those things can put one into labor and both of them combined would certainly do the trick! And so, since I like to keep things a natural as possible, I'll be waiting until the natural course of events unfolds.

Remind me I said that a couple of weeks from now if I start complaining!

Does anybody else have experience with the doctor's estimating baby's weight? Were they right or wrong?

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Whaddya think?

My due date is 5 1/2 weeks away. Don't you think this baby looks "done" now? I feel pretty done... I guess we'll just have to wait and see!